Ten Commandments for Tourists in Goa.

To all those coming to Goa for the Christmas week, and especially for Sunburn.

Since most of you go totally crazy the moment you set foot in Goa, I thought it would be prudent to put together an instructional manual. Let’s call it Goa for Dummies. Because honestly, if you’re coming to Goa in December, for Sunburn, when Goa is at its worst, you ARE a dummy.

Here’s what you need to know:

1)  Goa is different, it’s not Delhi. Goans are raised and taught to respect women. It’s a deeply-ingrained part of our culture. We expect you to do the same, too. While it’s true that women dress far more liberally in Goa than in any other part of India, it doesn’t give you the license to assault, molest or rape them. Don’t believe what Bollywood tells you about Goa. Remember Bipasha Basu saying “Here (in Goa), liquor is cheap, and the women are cheaper?” She was probably referring to herself when on holiday. Anyway, here’s a non-negotiable instruction: If you see Goan women, and you will—Stay. The. Fuck. Away. From. Them.

2)  Drugs are illegal in Goa. You shouldn’t do them, but more importantly, NEVER should you put drugs in others’ drinks to control their behaviour and later take advantage of them. If you feel the overwhelming urge to do so, please consume your drugs yourself, buy even more drugs, consume them too, and die.

3)  Most of you associate Goa with cheap alcohol, and will be drunk before you know it. Make a conscious decision not to drive or ride when drunk. If you MUST do that, please be sure to crash against a tree or wall and kill yourselves, not others. I’m talking to you, rented bike walas. If you're riding/driving while drunk, an awesome thing to do is to go down a ferry wharf into the river. 

4)   There are no-swim zones on Goa’s beaches. Don’t enter them when told not to do so. When drunk, don’t enter the water at all. Again, if you deliberately choose to act smart and ignore flags & warnings by lifeguards, I hope the sea invites you to be part of its bed. It’s comfortable there, and you won’t be able to make a nuisance of yourself anymore.

5)  Stay calm and quiet. Nobody likes a noisy tourist. Also, try not to sing loudly while riding, especially in residential areas. Else, I hope this and much more happens to you.

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5fFBL_uC9E

6)  Dress appropriately, as you would back home. The cities are not the beach. Churches, temples & mosques are certainly not the beach. Respect us, and we will respect you.

7)   If you’re from Delhi or Gurgaon, try not to carry guns with you. And if you’re some dickhead VIP’s kid, try not to shoot anyone you might have a minor disagreement with. That includes me.

8)  Know where you’re going. Don’t get confused when you see a turn or roundabout and suddenly stop in the middle of the road. Also, learn to pronounce names of Goan places. It’s all part and parcel of being a good tourist. Speak to locals with due respect.

9)  Two questions banned: “Ladki kidhar milegi (where do I find women?)’ and ‘Boss, where can I score’. For the first, you’ll be directed to the police station, and for the second, to the nearest football ground.

10)  Keep Goa clean. Do not litter. Do not spit paan on the roads. And don’t do ‘khwaak-thoo’.

Goans reading this, please report violations of any kind to the police. Especially drunken, rash & negligent driving. If you see any instance of it, call the police, push them to file an FIR, and personally give a statement and stand witness in Court. I will do the same. It's the responsibility of every one of us to keep Goan roads safe. Life is far too precious to be lost just because a fucking tourist decided he wants another peg.

Nigel Britto.
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